Memo: Waste management

Dear Ms. J Preis,
We are overjoyed to hear you have mastered our training sessions “Diapers: The Hidden Shame of Corporate America.” In doing so, you’ve graduated the Waste Management series! We hope you enjoyed the gift we award all graduates of this series — 50 pairs of underwear.

Keep up the good work and remember our company mantra: Potty, wipe, undies, flush, wash. Congrats and we’ll see you in the bathroom stalls!

Sincerely,
Management (aka mom and dad)

20140923-084432.jpg

Memo: HQ Relocation

Dear Preis girls,
Obviously you have figured out that our headquarters have been officially relocated. We apologize for not sending out a formal memo sooner but we hoped you sensed the big change with all the moving boxes peppering the hallways.

We know some of you new employees (I.e. Sadie and Jilly) might not have a huge problem readjusting in a new “office.” However some of our senior staff (Archie) and managers (mom and dad) have felt moving pain on a much more emotional level, and it is these workers we’d like to address:

Let us take a minute to pay homage to our great former headquarters. It was not showy or decrepit — just warm, lively and always welcoming. It was our first “office” and is the place where we went from 2 apprehensive workers to a staff of 5. A place to spend the holidays, survive terrible weather events, celebrate milestone anniversaries and grow closer as a unit. The building may belong to new owners but it will always remain the place where this tight-knit company got its start.

Here’s to you old girl:

20140915-001856.jpgArchie at “Water Wednesday”

20140915-002447.jpgBreakfast meeting

20140915-002606.jpgMirror Mondays

Thank you HQ (“house quaint”) — we already miss you dearly and hope you will bring another start-up company as much love and luck as you gave to us.

20140915-002900.jpg
Sincerely,
Management (aka mom and dad)

Memo: End of Summer expectations

Dear Preis employees,

We’re glad to hear that you two (along with your co-worker Archie) are having such an enjoyable time this Summer. Please keep in mind that throughout all your travels and adventures, there is a job to be had — more notably, excelling in this organization.

So what does “excelling” mean to us, your managers? In a nutshell, “excelling” includes ┬ábut is not limited to:

- Potty training (our incentive program (candy, late bedtime, TV, anything you want) seems more than fair so please get involved Ms. J)

-Pulling up/Standing (you’ve already begun the process so kudos Ms. S)

-Sleeping in a “big girl’s bed” (congrats Ms. J)

-Eating lumpier, solid-ier foods (Ms. S, that means you may NOT choke on said items or we can NOT cross it off the to-do list)

By the end of summer, we expect you two to complete all the above-mentioned items (especially No. 1, Ms. J).

On a lighter note, we’d like to share our thanks with the two of you on your outstanding work and abilities to handle all the change coming to the organization. Change is never easy to bare but you two are doing an amazing job, and we’d like to take a moment to spotlight your ability to roll with the punches:

Corporate retreat on the beach

Corporate retreat on the beach

Corporate trust fall

Corporate trust fall

Stress management techniques

Stress management techniques

Thanks for all your work this summer — management notices this behavior and it will be rewarded!

Sincerely,

Management (aka mom and dad)

Memo: sickness policy

Dear Preis employees,
We are happy to hear that you are taking full advantage of the company’s vacation and sick policies. Your trip to Arizona sounded amazing and we got a good report back from our satellite office (ie Nana and Papa’s house) — so thank you for fitting in some work on your break.

However we must remind you that you have only a limited amount of sick days. Picking up disgusting colds, viruses, ear infections, UTIs, etc is not the way to manage your health effectively. Management breaks down in sheer terror every time you sneeze, cough or rub your ears. Do your best to avoid harmful situations and always wash your hands. And as we’ve said before — DO NOT SPREAD GERMS AROUND THE OFFICE.

Management has a tough time fighting your infections since we must keep the company running — sick or not.

Thank you for your consideration. As a happy summer gift, enjoy the antibacterial gel we’ve left throughout the office and your cubicles.

Sincerely,
Management (aka mom and dad)

20140620-160152.jpg

Memo: 1Q Recap

Dear Ms. S and Ms. J Preis,
Congratulations! You both are really making a name for yourselves since the start of 2014. Before we recap these accomplishments (and note any areas needed for improvement), we would like to apologize for the lull in communication from management.

1. You both did amazing when the company shut down for the polar vortex. Your patience, positive attitude and eagerness to eat anything served from our on-site cafeteria while being trapped inside your “office” like rats on a ship were duly noted. We’ve decided to reward you all (and your coworker Archie) with an extra vacation day to be used some time this summer.

20140405-235044.jpg
2. We’d like to go over your medical leave/sick day policy: These days are NOT unlimited. You do NOT get to contract every virus, infection, injury. For that reason, we must insist you discontinue certain habits like licking playground equipment, putting office supplies and/or toys inside your mouth, sorting through the trash can and other germy activities.

And on that note, if you do happen to get sick, do NOT spread your illnesses to management. We have many important jobs (including being responsible for you all) and your illnesses are likened to coming down with the Plague.

3. As usual, time to note your highlights
Existing: Congrats Ms. S on earning your official name/title with the organization.

20140406-000138.jpg
Personal hygiene: Congrats Ms. J on your first haircut. Everyone at the office loves the new look
20140406-000331.jpg
Anniversary: Congrats to Ms. J for celebrating her 2nd year with the company/being on Earth. We hope you enjoyed the celebration. As we like to notify all employees, eventually you will be able to select your own party themes; it’s an earned benefit that comes after years of experience.

20140406-000721.jpg
Department bonding: We consider this the most important milestone for first quarter. Team unity is a crucial goal we value here. Thank you for putting a conscious effort in that area.

20140406-001117.jpg

20140406-001147.jpg
We can’t wait to see all the good things set to happen next quarter!

Sincerely,
The management (aka mom and dad)

Memo: Managerial assistance

Dear Preis girls,

Just a quick note: Please take it easy on your supervisors. Sadie’s entrance into the company has caused unforeseen obstacles for management, requiring assistance from our medical branch (i.e. your birth did a whammy on mommy’s poor body). Please hold back on any requests that aren’t needed immediately and utilize your patience when waiting for approval from the bosses.

That means there may be slight changes to the schedule in regards to coffee/milk orders, break/nap/tummy time and personalized meal options.

Sincerely,

The management (aka mom and dad)

Memo: Required holiday break

Dear Ms. S. Preis,
We know you are new to the company (and the world), but please remember that holiday vacations exist for a reason. You may not feel like you need a break and are ready to power through New Years, but management definitely requires a lull in activity.

If you could try and not “work” during the graveyard shift (anytime between 1am-6am), that would be beyond appreciated. Management is starting to lose its grip on reality with all these emergency wake up calls (feedings).

20131230-060238.jpg
Thank you!
The management (aka mom and dad)

Memo: New addition

Dear Ms. J. Preis,
As you have certainly noticed, we have added new personnel to the staff. Our new intern, Sadie, has been hard at work adjusting to her work schedule, meeting the extended company partners (Nana, Grammie) and getting adjusted to her new work life.

Though her cubicle/nursery is much larger than her previous work space/womb, she’s aware that her presence is also a transition for you, too. Here are some helpful tips management would like to share with you as you adjust to life with your new co-worker:
1. Sharing is caring. Please pass along any company accessories/supplies to the new intern if you are no longer using these items. The list can include rattles, onesies, pacis, etc.

20131220-123835.jpg
2. Management values you.Though it may seem that all our time is being spent training Ms. Sadie, we are very aware of all the hard work you’ve been putting into the company. For example, were impressed with your new abilities of stringing sentences together now and your effort to say “please” and “thank you.”

20131220-124158.jpg
3. Set the example.You are now a toddler, which is part of upper staff/big sisterhood. We look to you to make good choices, think of creative solutions and be a general help to management. We thank you in advance for helping with Ms. Sadie’s diapers, bottles and nursery cleanup. Expect a large bonus (sounds like “telmo”) at the end of this quarter.

20131220-124836.jpg
4. Ask for help. When all else fails, turn to fellow senior staff member Archie Preis for assistance. This values employee has gone through the upheaval of personnel changes twice and knows how to handle the transition.

20131220-125114.jpg
We appreciate your patience and hope you’ll be able to adjust soon. Please remember that management couldn’t run this company without you and couldn’t imagine a world without you on our roster.

Sincerely,
Management (aka mom and dad)

Memo: Personnel changes

Dear Ms. Preis and Mr. Archie,
We apologize for our lack of communication this fall. As you may have noticed within the home office, some major changes have begun. Although Archie may remember similar changes about two years ago, this is a new sight for you Ms. Preis.

We want to keep the lines of communication open so we would like to offer a heads up that there will be some personnel changes happening in the next few weeks. Please do not panic — you and Archie are not going anywhere. However, we will be adding more staff to the organization.

20131121-092220.jpg

Ms. Preis, we want to make you feel comfortable in your place within the organization. Not only are we excited with the work you’ve been producing (using sentences, counting to 10, identifying colors and animals, etc), were very impressed. Your immediate supervisors (aka nursery school teachers) even recommended skipping classes based on your excellent abilities. We’d like to reward your stupendous achievements with an additional title, “Big Sister.”

You’ll be tasked with the training, observation and overall happiness of our newest employee set to start early December (keep in mind her start date may be pushed up earlier depending on outside factors). She will just be starting out as an intern and will need a lot of guidance (and burp cloths), but as you may remember, that was the path you took here and look how far you’ve come:

20131122-061637.jpg

20131122-061721.jpg
Management will do our best to keep things as normal as possible, but obviously a new employee does mean change. We believe you and Archie will be able to maintain a high degree of normalcy due to the arrival of our senior partners (aka Grammy and Nana) in a few weeks. Just remember that we will do our best to keep everyone’s spirits up but there may be a few growing pains along the way.

Finally, as the holidays approach and the year wraps up (and before the young intern arrives), lets go over your goals for next year:
Mastering waste management (potty training)
Responding to changes in overnight shifts (move from crib to bed)
Taking required breaks (avoid time-out freaks outs)

We love your enthusiasm, dedication and overall positivity and hope you instill these traits in the new intern (we apologize for not releasing her name yet). Keep up the good work!

20131122-063006.jpg
Sincerely,
The management (aka mom and dad)

Memo: Dessert Fridays

Dear Ms. Preis
We are very happy that you and the rest of the staff are enjoying Dessert Fridays. We only ask that you don’t take advantage of the program and only take your fair share of the tasty treats.

Sincerely,
The management (aka mom and dad)

20130913-092406.jpg

20130913-092421.jpg

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 229 other followers