So as most of you know, my little old pregnancy turned into a full-fledged baby. A baby named Jillian. And since it’s so difficult to catch up with every single person who has called to wish us mazel, I’ve decided to add this blog entry (because what else are you going to do at 2am while your insomniatic child is about to lose it in yet another crying fit).
I’d like to devote this entry as a business letter/notice/memo to my 8-day-old child…
In regards to your labor arrival, management is sad to hear that you weren’t able to stick to the proposed schedule. We were disappointed to find out that instead of the agreed upon arrival of Feb. 21, you’ve decided to make your appearance on the 25th, only after consultants advised of an inducement. And on that note, you’ve decided to appear via c-section instead of the ol’ fashioned way (but only AFTER making management wait 26 hours for your final decision). We’ve noticed that your inability to stay on schedule now extends to other projects, like meals, naps and tummy time.
Next, management would like to put iin a formal request for you to follow proper property guidelines. We’ve noticed your total lack of respect when it comes to our mammary structures and abdominal integrity. Plus, it recently came to our attention that you’ve now decided to upend our water retention levels, thus causing major swelling in the lower extremities of the building. If need be, we will send you an invoice for these damages. Also, exporting is a big part of the job — please keep the gross-out factor to a minimum.
Finally, management warns you that any type of bribery or unethical behavior will not be tolerated. Please do not pout/smile/coo/be adorable in order to escape your job responsibilities, like waste services. Upper management (I.e. grandparents) has decided to give you several chances to make up for this immoral behavior but please know, you are on notice.
We hope you can abide by these rules and recommendations. If you would like a resource to ask for guidance, Archie Preis had similar issues with the company when he was first brought on, but quickly transitioned as an ideal member to the team. He’s available to speak any time (except during thunderstorms).
We’re excited to see what you have to show management and offer the company. Hopefully, you know that we went through many hoops to get you on board, so please don’t be afraid to show off your talents.
Management (informally, mom and dad)