A formal memo for my daughter

Hiyah, howryah?!

So as most of you know, my little old pregnancy turned into a full-fledged baby. A baby named Jillian. And since it’s so difficult to catch up with every single person who has called to wish us mazel, I’ve decided to add this blog entry (because what else are you going to do at 2am while your insomniatic child is about to lose it in yet another crying fit).

I’d like to devote this entry as a business letter/notice/memo to my 8-day-old child…

Dear Jillian,
In regards to your labor arrival, management is sad to hear that you weren’t able to stick to the proposed schedule. We were disappointed to find out that instead of the agreed upon arrival of Feb. 21, you’ve decided to make your appearance on the 25th, only after consultants advised of an inducement. And on that note, you’ve decided to appear via c-section instead of the ol’ fashioned way (but only AFTER making management wait 26 hours for your final decision). We’ve noticed that your inability to stay on schedule now extends to other projects, like meals, naps and tummy time.

Next, management would like to put iin a formal request for you to follow proper property guidelines. We’ve noticed your total lack of respect when it comes to our mammary structures and abdominal integrity. Plus, it recently came to our attention that you’ve now decided to upend our water retention levels, thus causing major swelling in the lower extremities of the building. If need be, we will send you an invoice for these damages. Also, exporting is a big part of the job — please keep the gross-out factor to a minimum.

Finally, management warns you that any type of bribery or unethical behavior will not be tolerated. Please do not pout/smile/coo/be adorable in order to escape your job responsibilities, like waste services. Upper management (I.e. grandparents) has decided to give you several chances to make up for this immoral behavior but please know, you are on notice.

We hope you can abide by these rules and recommendations. If you would like a resource to ask for guidance, Archie Preis had similar issues with the company when he was first brought on, but quickly transitioned as an ideal member to the team. He’s available to speak any time (except during thunderstorms).

We’re excited to see what you have to show management and offer the company. Hopefully, you know that we went through many hoops to get you on board, so please don’t be afraid to show off your talents.

Sincerely,
Management (informally, mom and dad)

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About melskvell

Raising awareness about golden retrievers one puppy at a time!

5 responses to “A formal memo for my daughter

  1. Corri Gottesman

    I’ve been kvelling over the photos since you’ve been posting them (fb and here). She looks so peaceful and beautiful above.

    Whoa… you expect your company-mates to toe a tight line.LOL. It usually takes a year b/f the new company-mate and management to get into a groove that is not overtaxing for the management. I’m sure those coos Jillian’s adorableness will cultivate continued patience.

  2. I love the idea of Archie giving Jillian advice on waste services!! “Listen, kid, this is how it’s gotta be …”

    Also, THAT PICTURE! Eeeeeee! I’ve been sitting here staring at it trying to figure out which one of you she looks like, but I’ve never seen either of you sleeping … Hmmmm. Please post reference photos, thanks!

  3. I love the idea of Archie giving Jillian advice on waste services! “Listen, kid, this is how it’s gotta be…”

    Also, that photo is killing me. What a beauuuutiful baby girl!

  4. Heather

    Love the blog and the beautiful pic. Jilly is very lucky to have such a wonderful and loving management team at her service 🙂

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