We’d like to share more of an an ongoing series of formal business letters, memos and emails we discovered between Jillian and the higher-ups (her parents). Here is the latest:
Dear Ms. Preis,
Although this organization hasn’t received its LEEDS certification and could work harder on its recycling efforts, we try to remain somewhat conscious of the environment. We implore our staff to do the same. That’s why it came as quite a shock when we audited your work over the last two weeks (reminder, your start date/birth date was 2/25/2012). We found huge amounts of waste (literally and figuratively) coming from your department.
Firstly, the literal side of your wasteful practices: your diaper output seems excessive if not downright mythical. Out custodial staff has been inundated with diapers of all shapes, sizes and smells and seem perturbed with the quantity of what we call “stink dipes.” We’d prefer you to regulate your output and keep the diapers to a more manageable number. Or better yet, please start using the toilet and assist management’s gag reflex.
And on that diaper note, management requests that you cease and desist what has become a new activity for you: soiling a freshly applied diaper exactly 25 seconds after being applied. If you cannot discontinue this habit, please be advised we will charge for these wasted diapers and take the money from your payroll (ie college fund).
Also wasteful? Your spit up is literally a spit in the face of management and we do not appreciate it. Please digest what you consider a manageable amount of milk instead of guzzling too much and forcing management to clean up the inevitable leftovers. And on that note, that spit up triggers another wasteful pastime of having to change a perfectly clean outfit 5 seconds after washing. The amount of laundry you produce is astronomical — lets keep the spit up, poop, pee and various other bodily fluids off the onesies, sleep-and-plays, tshirts, booties, etc.
If you can abide by these best standards and practices, you’ll be making the world (and management) much happier. Again, if you ever have specific questions or need guidance, please contact Archie Preis. He had similar issues of excessive wasteful habits (especially indoors) when he was first brought on, but his house training let him on the correct path. (However, please do not follow in his footsteps when it comes to toys, as he can be very wasteful by removing their stuffing 12 hours after receiving said stuffed monkey, giraffe, etc.)
We appreciate you taking the time to read this (or saving this memo until you can read), and can’t wait to work through the process.
Management (aka mom and dad)