Dear Ms. Preis,
As is standard protocol for our staff (ie see Archie), we’d like to offer your review after being with the organization for more than a month.
*Nocturnal activity: We’re impressed with your efforts sleeping in 5 hour chunks at night. However, we see major room for improvement in the fact that we eventually require all employees to sleep through the entire night without any bathroom or snack breaks (exceptions for emergencies only). Please begin the process of extending your sleep duration before management loses patience.
*Daytime consciousness (aka napping): Please see “nocturnal activity.”
*Importing: We’ve noticed your leadership abilities every time you work with the mammary department. Unfortunately, we must say that you may, in fact, be too energetic and demanding with this matter. Please be more sensitive with the mammary department — it is a group under immense strain that is unaccustomed to meeting such dramatic, continuous demands.
*Exporting: we couldn’t be happier with the quantity and quality of your waste production. Please continue with this important work.
*Client relations: Your ability to charm friends, family and strangers is impressive. We suggest you use your chubby cheeks and winsome personality to continue to gain the trust and adulations of any man, woman and child who witnesses your overwhelming cuteness.
We’re very pleased with your work thus far in certain areas, and do see room for improvement in others. We hope you are enjoying your time with our organization.
Management (aka Mom and Dad)