Dear Ms. Preis,
We noticed from our records that we never provided you with a two-month review. We apologize for the oversight, but would like to offer you this three-month review to fill you in.
As you may recall, the mammary department recently closed to new employees (ie you), and we’ve been very pleased with your adjustment to the changes. We are happy to see you enjoy working with Dr. Brown and his bottles.
We are also pleased to see you getting involved in the social side of the company, as well as networking. In our company, we believe in the motto “work hard, play hard.” Were happy to notice you follow the same belief system — starting to meet new “employees” at other companies, attending networking events (sometimes known as playgroup) and venturing beyond headquarters.
However, we have noticed areas in which you still need improvement. Firstly, nocturnal activity is well…too active. We need you to follow nighttime protocol and stay asleep until the next shift begins (which should NEVER happen before 7am). On that note, daytime sleeping needs major improvement as well. Management is seeking outside consultation due to your sleeping (or lack thereof) on the job. Please be conscientious of this since management is doing everything we can to keep our staff happy. Also, be aware that you have not accrued any sick days yet so please avoid all illnesses. Management is very worried about our employees and never want to get sick.
Overall, we’re happy with the work you’ve completed. You’re hitting company milestones, like rolling over, and impressing outside contractors (ie pediatricians).
We’ve just instituted a schedule and hope it improves your sleeping habits, disposition and work ethic. Thank you for being an eager member of the team!
Management (aka mom and dad)