Dear Ms. Preis,
We’ve been keeping a close eye on you and have noticed major activity afoot.
First, we’ve decided that you must love rock and roll. Why you may ask? Because we’ve never seen an employee roll around her cubicle (ie crib) the way you do. You remind management of those little pill bugs who get stuck on their backs. We are not judging you or making fun of your unusual bedtime soothing technique (especially because part of management (aka Mom) was known as “bowling ball” when she was younger based on her nocturnal movements). Due to this erratic sleep pattern, we are suspending your swaddle previliges indefinitely. We know this will require some adjusting during the transition, but will benefit you in the long run. Please keep the protesting (ie screaming, crying, general freak outs) to a minimum. Remember this is not a punishment– we’re so happy with the work you’re doing that you’re being rewarded with more independence. Thumbs are great ways to help with the change (please see photo below).
Second, we’re happy to announce you’re employee of the month! Although it was a tough decision between you and might manager Archie, we felt you earned the spot after knocking that swaddle out of the park. Congratulations!
Management (aka mom and dad)