Dear Ms. Preis,
You’ve been making great strides at the company and are truly showing your (baby) business acumen for producing doody diapers, guzzling formula and speaking gibberish through the monitors. As is customary with these memos, we’d like to focus on a few topics that we feel you are excelling at and those you’ll need to improve upon.
A big milestone we need to address is your recent entrance into our off-site education/training facility (commonly referred to as daycare). This satellite locale will introduce you to other new employees and various companies throughout the city. Many of these employees are at different places in their training schedules, so please don’t be alarmed if you see some workers crawling past you or chowing down on solids during their lunch breaks — you’ll get there soon enough.
We’re in close contact with the staff at the facility and have heard some mixed feedback about your presence. Do not make management look bad by screaming/crying if a staff member hasn’t addressed your needs in the last 39 seconds. There are many employees in your training class and staff members only have so many resources. Same goes for goodbyes. Also, do as the staff say since failure to do so will be reported in your HR folder (or more specifically, your daily activities parent worksheet). We usually don’t report on dress code (unless it’s not being met), but we have heard from training staff that everyone is quite impressed with your wardrobe. The rumor is that you’ve become one of the most fashionable employees in your training class.
In a related note, please remember that we’ve instituted a sick day policy for a reason. If you feel less than 100% at any time, don’t come in to work and take that time to get better. You’ve recently infected management with a cold picked up at the training facility (ie daycare), and things at the company are now at a standstill.
Below you will find some photos taken of you at the facility.
Management (aka mom and dad)