Dear Ms. Preis,
Congratulations on your six-month anniversary! We know the path that led you here had many challenges along the way, and we appreciate your fortitude.
As is customary with our other employees (ie Archie Preis), we offer a review and snapshot of your work here.
1. Weve been amazed at your physical power during your shifts. We mentioned that heavy lifting was required for this position when we posted the job opening with our OB/GYN, and you definitely haven’t disappointed us. You’re beginning to crawl and sit up on your own. Management couldn’t be happier with your independent work ethic.
2. We love your eagerness when it comes to dining in our cafeteria. The kitchen staff tells us there isn’t a food you don’t like! We thought you’d only be interested in the fruit but are happy to see you enjoy the salad bar as well.
3. As we require all our employees to be immunized, you took the six-month vaccinations like a champ. You only let out one huge bellow and were back to your pleasant disposition 20 seconds later.
4. On the topic of medical observations, we do have an area where you need improvement. Please desist in picking up any germ you can find at the off-site learning center (aka daycare). Management prefers employees not to exhibit conditions like fever, congestion and a general feeling of yuckitude. And on that note, if you DO happen to pick up one of these viruses, please keep it to yourself. You have recently infected management with a menagerie of bacteria and viruses, which is unnecessary.
The future holds many exciting milestones for you to reach. Firstly, mastering one of the biggest challenges around: the sippy cup. We will do our best to keep you happy and satisfied as long as you do your best to be the most amazing six-month employee the world has ever known. Your mental, physical and social abilities have even gained attention at daycare, as you have now graduated to the Infant B room.
Keep up the good work, stop picking up (and spreading) germs, and enjoy life as a rugrat!
The Management (aka mom and dad)