Dear Ms. Preis,
Congratulations on your 8-month anniversary with the company. We’re happy to see you’ve been hitting your goals (standing, pulling up, waving, eating more solids). With all these accomplishments, you’re assured to earn the traditional engraved paper weight at your one-year anniversary (you will probably receive many more gifts that day as well).
The on-site cafeteria has remarked how great it is to have such a kind, enthusiastic eater in the property. In casual passing, they mentioned how shocking it was to see you down an entire bowl of mashed spinach. Even some members of management don’t order that particular menu item.
We’d like to set out your monthly goals in writing (though it’s slightly a waste since you can’t read yet). We’d like you to focus on eating even more chunkier textures and eventually meat/dairy, strengthen your legs in preparation for walking and sprout a tooth since this teething business has gone on long enough. We’d say potty training as well but thats just a dream goal right now.
As always, thank you for your service to the company.
Your coworker Archie has prepared a slurpy lick to celebrate all your accomplishments.
The management (aka mom and dad)