Dear Ms. Preis,
Once again, the holidays are upon us. Actually, we’d like to scratch that opening as we realize this is your first holiday season with the company…and on Earth. Things can get pretty hectic around the office so we’d like to prepare you and ourselves for the inevitable chaos.
First, we will no longer be participating in “Secret Santa” since management has come to the conclusion that all gifts are directed toward you (and your co-worker, Archie). Please keep in mind these gifts ARE your annual bonus.
Second, while on site at one of our satellite locations, senior management (aka grandparents) will shower you with additional bonuses, awards and unwavering attention. Please impress your elders with as much humility as possible. And be prepared for company-approved kvelling and cheek-squeezing.
Third, training doesn’t stop because of the holidays. We will be focusing on sippy cup usage, cruising/walking, teething and language (i.e. specifically “mama”). If need be, bring your Fisher-Price laptop to take notes.
Hope you have a happy, healthy, earache-free holiday!
Management (aka mom and dad)