Dear Ms. Preis,
As we are now firmly getting to work this month, let’s take a few moments to review the past year, your performance at the company thus far and where we see your future endeavors heading.
You came to the company with zero experience (straight out of the womb), but we saw a tenacious spark in your eye so we decided to take a chance. Our gamble has paid off! Sure, there were learning curves as all new employees must overcome. For example, during Archie’s first overnight shift here, he cried and cried until management reassured he was doing a good job…and let him sleep on the bed. You’ve gone from nursing, to formula, to baby food, to table food and our kitchen staff has enjoyed seeing your progress. Similarly, you went from being swaddled in a bassinet in management’s room to your own crib sans swaddle. In our company, that’s like earning the corner office.
Other goals that you’ve hit include crawling, pulling up, standing, climbing, clapping, waving and much more. Out off-site staff (I.e. daycare) informed us that you work very well with your co-workers and enjoy the social aspects of the job.
As this is an honest evaluation, we must report the bad as well as the good. We’ve noticed that your dental work has become a major distraction. There have been rumors that some of your on-the-job frustrations stem from your teeth — please respond. Also, we have noticed a bit of an attitude during diaper changes. Let’s be very clear — we dislike diaper changes as much as you.
You’ve done a stellar job representing the company at the various business trips last year. Everyone in our Phoenix and New Orleans branches loved you so much, they want you to transfer locations.
We don’t know what the future holds for us in 2013 but we’re very happy you chose our company. We will always put our employees first and know how hard you all work. Keep it up and can’t wait to speak again around your first anniversary with our organization.
Here’s where you were on your first day:
Management (aka mom and dad)