Dear Ms. Preis,
We’d officially like to thank you for all your work with the company. The growth you’ve made from your first day at our training facility (Northside Hospital) is astounding! As you can tell from the title of this memo, we are happy to announce that since celebrating your one-year anniversary on Monday, you’ve earned a promotion and new title: Toddler.
We know that we recently provided you with a year-end review a few months ago, so we won’t rehash some of those older topics. However, we’d like to devote the majority of this memo to your anniversary celebration and assess your future goals.
We contacted several of your associates (I.e. Archie the dog, aunts and uncles, grandparents) about what you may be interested in, but we (management, aka mom and dad) vetoed everyone with final say. “Monsters” have always been a popular theme for management, so hopefully you enjoyed yourself.
The highlight of your celebration had to be your willingness to try new things — specifically your first taste of came. As you will learn, cake is the universal way of uniting departments, promoting social well being and just keeping everyone happy when it comes to office culture.
Goals of Toddlerhood
We’re not going to sugarcoat it — your new promotion into toddlerhood is going to be tough. On everyone. Over the next few years, we will expect you to focus on perfecting your skills with the following departments: waste management (I.e. potty training), mobile (walking), communications (talking), health benefits (teeth growing) and many others.
We know these will be difficult goals to meet, and the process may spark a few emotional outbursts (I.e. tantrums, reenactments from The Exorcist). We just hope that all parties involved can keep level heads and not run away screaming (management included). The company has revised its policy about on-site drinking, since the office will be stocked with alcohol (reserved for upper management only) for such displays of willfulness.
We have supported and encouraged your development since you came to the company on Feb. 25, 2012. We’re so impressed with everything you’ve done, and your ability to put management at ease is astounding. We just ask for some form of pity during your new role as toddler.
As usual, keep up the good work!