Dear Ms. Preis
We’re pleased to see you accomplishing so much in your new role as Toddler. Your promotion was well deserved, and we’re excited to see what you do in this new position.
However, we must remind you of the company’s code of conduct, since we’ve noticed a few errors in judgement on your side. Here they are once again:
1. No indoor screaming. We understand the frustrations of not knowing all the correct business terms and lingo (or in your case, most of the English language). But that doesn’t give you the right to scream at everyone and/or everything. Plus, it’s very upsetting to your coworkers, like golden retriever Archie Preis.
2. Tushies down. That means sitting in your new armchair, sitting in your high chair and siting in the bathtub — standing only gives management mini heart attacks.
3. Mandatory diaper changes. Until you’ve reached that glorious goal of potty training, your supervisors will be handling waste management. So please refrain from kicking, rolling, crying, screaming (see above) and throwing objects during diaper changes.
4. Be an ambassador. When the company sponsors group dinners/meetings in public spaces, you are representing all of us. Do not make outsiders think you were trained in a zoo/barn.
5. No shoes, no service. Shoes must be worn at all times. Failure to do so will entail you always being stuck indoors at headquarters.
Thanks for your service and following our code of conduct. Below are a few photos demonstrating the listed rules.
No shoes in this example is allowed.
Tushies down works!
Serving as an ambassador.
Keep up the good work and heed these rules.
Management (aka mom and dad)