Dear Ms. S and Ms. J Preis,
Congratulations! You both are really making a name for yourselves since the start of 2014. Before we recap these accomplishments (and note any areas needed for improvement), we would like to apologize for the lull in communication from management.
1. You both did amazing when the company shut down for the polar vortex. Your patience, positive attitude and eagerness to eat anything served from our on-site cafeteria while being trapped inside your “office” like rats on a ship were duly noted. We’ve decided to reward you all (and your coworker Archie) with an extra vacation day to be used some time this summer.
2. We’d like to go over your medical leave/sick day policy: These days are NOT unlimited. You do NOT get to contract every virus, infection, injury. For that reason, we must insist you discontinue certain habits like licking playground equipment, putting office supplies and/or toys inside your mouth, sorting through the trash can and other germy activities.
And on that note, if you do happen to get sick, do NOT spread your illnesses to management. We have many important jobs (including being responsible for you all) and your illnesses are likened to coming down with the Plague.
3. As usual, time to note your highlights
Existing: Congrats Ms. S on earning your official name/title with the organization.
Personal hygiene: Congrats Ms. J on your first haircut. Everyone at the office loves the new look
Anniversary: Congrats to Ms. J for celebrating her 2nd year with the company/being on Earth. We hope you enjoyed the celebration. As we like to notify all employees, eventually you will be able to select your own party themes; it’s an earned benefit that comes after years of experience.
Department bonding: We consider this the most important milestone for first quarter. Team unity is a crucial goal we value here. Thank you for putting a conscious effort in that area.
We can’t wait to see all the good things set to happen next quarter!
The management (aka mom and dad)