Memo: Temporary office shutdown

Dear Preis employees,

What can we say? There is no excuse for our lack of communication over these past few months. We can only blame the terrible winter and the amazing start of spring for our terrible absence of emails. We’ve had many big milestones and events happen since December so let’s recap some of the highlights.

Ms. J celebrates her 3-year anniversary with the company (and on Earth)

We can’t believe you have been a valued employee of this company (and the world) for 3 years already! Since your most recent anniversary/birthday, you’ve gone on to be a valued member of the Phonics Committee (keep sounding out those words and letters), you are a waste management master, you made use of your dental insurance with your first cleaning, you walked nearly the entire race to raise money for a good cause and helped in our philanthropic department, you took advantage of our work-life balance activities (soccer, dance), visited our satellite offices across the country to discuss important issues with senior management (aka Nana and Papa and Grammy and G) and had meetings with your fellow colleagues at surrounding companies (i.e. you had lots of playdates). We pat ourselves on the back for hiring you that faithful day in 2012.

Work-Life Balance training session

  

Summer Fridays in full effect

  

Management team building — trust hug

  

Team bonding day over strawberries

 

Ms. S,

Congratulations on hitting many of the goals we set out for you during evaluation time. You are walking the halls of the company with pride — dare we say, close to running these halls?! Though we want all our team members to be as mobile as possible, we’ve noticed you’ve now begin climbing over your office furniture and jumping off chairs. Please keep in mind that we do have Aflac, worker’s comp is reserved for accidents — not inter office parkour.

You’ve also begun to talk up a storm — though sometimes the words may sound like babbles, we sincerely appreciate your contributions to our meetings. We can’t forgive out how “no,” “mine,” “book,” “Apple” or “outside” sometimes fit into the subject at hand, but we love the effort. 

And most happily, we’ve spotted that you and your coworker have joined forces to work on some big accounts. It’s great seeing the team really gel so thank you! 

 

Summer Fridays in full effect

 

Working with our D.C. office

 

Insuring quality at our on-site dining facility.

Thank you for being such fabulous employees! We have many fun and exciting events planned this summer, so please keep hitting your benchmarks and impressing our staff as well as the staff at surrounding companies.
Sincerely,

Management (aka Mom and Dad)

Memo: One-year anniversary

Dear Ms. S Preis,
Congratulations! We wanted to send our customary Memo of Excellence in celebration of your one-year anniversary with the company (and on Earth).

We’re stunned that one year has flown by so quickly, and we appreciate all that you do to further your skills and polish you abilities.

Just think, you came to the organization with, literally, no real-world experience or knowledge. And now, one year later, you are working alongside employees twice your age. You are developing your personality and letting others know who exactly you are.


You went from a wobbly, unsure intern to a confident, demanding intern. Well done! Your achievements in product consumption (eating), transportation logistics (crawling, cruising), external communications (talking) and apparatus selection (toy playing) have been phenomenal.


Please keep up that enthusiasm and ability to accept and learn new lessons that pop up along the way. You are an extremely valued member of our team and we can’t wait to see what you do next!



Sincerely,
Management (aka mom and dad)

Memo: Contest winners

Dear Preis girls,
Thank you for participating in our annual costume contest. We hoped you enjoyed the chocolatey awards!


Please note: We will no longer accept any more “Frozen” entries. Management is officially done with all Frozen-related costumes, paraphernalia, etc.

Sincerely,
Management (aka mom and dad)

Memo: Waste management

Dear Ms. J Preis,
We are overjoyed to hear you have mastered our training sessions “Diapers: The Hidden Shame of Corporate America.” In doing so, you’ve graduated the Waste Management series! We hope you enjoyed the gift we award all graduates of this series — 50 pairs of underwear.

Keep up the good work and remember our company mantra: Potty, wipe, undies, flush, wash. Congrats and we’ll see you in the bathroom stalls!

Sincerely,
Management (aka mom and dad)

Memo: HQ Relocation

Dear Preis girls,
Obviously you have figured out that our headquarters have been officially relocated. We apologize for not sending out a formal memo sooner but we hoped you sensed the big change with all the moving boxes peppering the hallways.

We know some of you new employees (I.e. Sadie and Jilly) might not have a huge problem readjusting in a new “office.” However some of our senior staff (Archie) and managers (mom and dad) have felt moving pain on a much more emotional level, and it is these workers we’d like to address:

Let us take a minute to pay homage to our great former headquarters. It was not showy or decrepit — just warm, lively and always welcoming. It was our first “office” and is the place where we went from 2 apprehensive workers to a staff of 5. A place to spend the holidays, survive terrible weather events, celebrate milestone anniversaries and grow closer as a unit. The building may belong to new owners but it will always remain the place where this tight-knit company got its start.

Here’s to you old girl:

Archie at “Water Wednesday”

Breakfast meeting

Mirror Mondays

Thank you HQ (“house quaint”) — we already miss you dearly and hope you will bring another start-up company as much love and luck as you gave to us.

Sincerely,
Management (aka mom and dad)

Memo: End of Summer expectations

Dear Preis employees,

We’re glad to hear that you two (along with your co-worker Archie) are having such an enjoyable time this Summer. Please keep in mind that throughout all your travels and adventures, there is a job to be had — more notably, excelling in this organization.

So what does “excelling” mean to us, your managers? In a nutshell, “excelling” includes  but is not limited to:

– Potty training (our incentive program (candy, late bedtime, TV, anything you want) seems more than fair so please get involved Ms. J)

-Pulling up/Standing (you’ve already begun the process so kudos Ms. S)

-Sleeping in a “big girl’s bed” (congrats Ms. J)

-Eating lumpier, solid-ier foods (Ms. S, that means you may NOT choke on said items or we can NOT cross it off the to-do list)

By the end of summer, we expect you two to complete all the above-mentioned items (especially No. 1, Ms. J).

On a lighter note, we’d like to share our thanks with the two of you on your outstanding work and abilities to handle all the change coming to the organization. Change is never easy to bare but you two are doing an amazing job, and we’d like to take a moment to spotlight your ability to roll with the punches:

Corporate retreat on the beach

Corporate trust fall

Stress management techniques

Thanks for all your work this summer — management notices this behavior and it will be rewarded!

Sincerely,

Management (aka mom and dad)

Memo: sickness policy

Dear Preis employees,
We are happy to hear that you are taking full advantage of the company’s vacation and sick policies. Your trip to Arizona sounded amazing and we got a good report back from our satellite office (ie Nana and Papa’s house) — so thank you for fitting in some work on your break.

However we must remind you that you have only a limited amount of sick days. Picking up disgusting colds, viruses, ear infections, UTIs, etc is not the way to manage your health effectively. Management breaks down in sheer terror every time you sneeze, cough or rub your ears. Do your best to avoid harmful situations and always wash your hands. And as we’ve said before — DO NOT SPREAD GERMS AROUND THE OFFICE.

Management has a tough time fighting your infections since we must keep the company running — sick or not.

Thank you for your consideration. As a happy summer gift, enjoy the antibacterial gel we’ve left throughout the office and your cubicles.

Sincerely,
Management (aka mom and dad)

Memo: 1Q Recap

Dear Ms. S and Ms. J Preis,
Congratulations! You both are really making a name for yourselves since the start of 2014. Before we recap these accomplishments (and note any areas needed for improvement), we would like to apologize for the lull in communication from management.

1. You both did amazing when the company shut down for the polar vortex. Your patience, positive attitude and eagerness to eat anything served from our on-site cafeteria while being trapped inside your “office” like rats on a ship were duly noted. We’ve decided to reward you all (and your coworker Archie) with an extra vacation day to be used some time this summer.


2. We’d like to go over your medical leave/sick day policy: These days are NOT unlimited. You do NOT get to contract every virus, infection, injury. For that reason, we must insist you discontinue certain habits like licking playground equipment, putting office supplies and/or toys inside your mouth, sorting through the trash can and other germy activities.

And on that note, if you do happen to get sick, do NOT spread your illnesses to management. We have many important jobs (including being responsible for you all) and your illnesses are likened to coming down with the Plague.

3. As usual, time to note your highlights
Existing: Congrats Ms. S on earning your official name/title with the organization.


Personal hygiene: Congrats Ms. J on your first haircut. Everyone at the office loves the new look

Anniversary: Congrats to Ms. J for celebrating her 2nd year with the company/being on Earth. We hope you enjoyed the celebration. As we like to notify all employees, eventually you will be able to select your own party themes; it’s an earned benefit that comes after years of experience.


Department bonding: We consider this the most important milestone for first quarter. Team unity is a crucial goal we value here. Thank you for putting a conscious effort in that area.




We can’t wait to see all the good things set to happen next quarter!

Sincerely,
The management (aka mom and dad)

Memo: Managerial assistance

Dear Preis girls,

Just a quick note: Please take it easy on your supervisors. Sadie’s entrance into the company has caused unforeseen obstacles for management, requiring assistance from our medical branch (i.e. your birth did a whammy on mommy’s poor body). Please hold back on any requests that aren’t needed immediately and utilize your patience when waiting for approval from the bosses.

That means there may be slight changes to the schedule in regards to coffee/milk orders, break/nap/tummy time and personalized meal options.

Sincerely,

The management (aka mom and dad)

Memo: Required holiday break

Dear Ms. S. Preis,
We know you are new to the company (and the world), but please remember that holiday vacations exist for a reason. You may not feel like you need a break and are ready to power through New Years, but management definitely requires a lull in activity.

If you could try and not “work” during the graveyard shift (anytime between 1am-6am), that would be beyond appreciated. Management is starting to lose its grip on reality with all these emergency wake up calls (feedings).


Thank you!
The management (aka mom and dad)